Why parenting plans are worth the effort

When Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban recently announced their divorce, the headlines weren’t just about celebrity gossip. What stood out was the calm, considered way they’d agreed to co-parent their teenage daughters. No courtroom drama. No mudslinging. Just a privately worked out - and allegedly detailed - parenting plan.

So, what is a parenting plan and why might it be one of the best things you ever do for your children?

What is a parenting plan?

A parenting plan (sometimes also called “Our Child’s Plan”) is a written, voluntary agreement between parents (and sometimes other family members) that sets out how they’ll raise their children after separation.  So whilst you may not have a Hollywood star’s budget, you can certainly parent like a Hollywood star.

Just to be clear: parenting plans are not court orders, but they can be made legally binding if both parents agree and apply to the court.

Parenting plans are very flexible and practical, and can be tailored to a family’s specific circumstances. Most plans will cover:

• where the children will live
• how much time they’ll spend with each parent
• how decisions will be made about school, health, religion, and holidays
• communication between parents
• rules around introducing new partners

Parenting plans are not and should not be about one parent controlling the other. Instead, they are a tool to create clarity and help reduce conflict.  

Why make one?

Because children thrive on stability. When parents separate, it’s easy for routines to unravel and for children to feel caught in the middle. A parenting plan helps to:

• Reduce misunderstandings: Everyone knows what’s expected
• Avoid conflict: Clear agreements mean fewer arguments
• Support children’s emotional wellbeing: They feel secure knowing both parents are working together
• Make co-parenting easier: Especially when communication is strained.

Parenting plans support a proactive, co-parenting approach. What makes them special is that they are child-focused. Discussing and writing a parenting plan encourages you to think about what matters most to your children and how to make their lives feel stable, secure, and supported.

It’s not a legal document, but it can help avoid court by showing clearly what you’ve agreed. You can even share parts of it with your child, depending on their age, to help them understand what to expect and feel reassured that both parents are working together. It’s a great way to show your child that they come first and that you’re both committed to making things work for them.

What should my parenting plan include?

There’s no one-size-fits-all. But here are some common sections:

Living arrangements

Where will the children live? Will they move between homes? What’s the schedule?

Example: “Our child will live with both of us and spend alternate weeks at each home.”

Decision-making

Who decides on school choices, medical treatment, or religious upbringing?

Example: “We will consult each other on major decisions and respect each other’s views.”

Communication

How will you share updates? What happens if plans change?

Example: “We’ll use a shared calendar and agree to give at least 48 hours’ notice for changes.”

New Partners

How and when will new partners be introduced?

Example: “We’ll wait at least six months before introducing a new partner and discuss it beforehand.”

Because parenting plans are so flexible, it does mean that you can include whatever is relevant and important to your family. For example, Nicole and Keith’s parenting plan reportedly states:

“The mother and father will behave with each other and each child so as to provide a loving, stable, consistent and nurturing relationship with the child even though they are divorced... They will not speak badly of each other or the members of the family of the other parent. They will encourage each child to continue to love the other parent and be comfortable in both families.” 

Other more tailored inclusions we’ve seen are:

• agreements about the children taking part in high-risk activities e.g. extreme sports
• provisions about religious upbringing and education
• co-ordinated approaches to things like discipline, screentime or sharing photos on social media
• arrangements addressing the fact that the parents are living a long-distance from each other or where one parent is in the military

Using mediation to build your parenting plan

If sitting down with your ex to write a parenting plan feels daunting, you’re not alone. Many parents find it hard to have calm, constructive conversations after a separation, especially when emotions are still raw. That’s where mediation can really help.

Mediation is a process where a trained, neutral professional helps you and your ex talk things through and reach agreements about your children. It’s not about taking sides or telling you what to do. Instead, the mediator helps you both focus on what matters most: your child’s wellbeing.

In the context of a parenting plan, mediation can:

• create a safe space for difficult conversations
• keep discussions on track, especially if things get tense
• help you explore options you might not have thought of
• turn vague ideas into clear agreements you can both stick to

Working with a third party in the room (or on the video call) can help everyone feel heard and respected and that often makes it easier to reach a plan that works for everyone. Specially trained mediators can also meet separately with children and feedback their thoughts and feelings into their parents’ mediation.  

Mediation is also quicker, cheaper, and less stressful than going to court. And because you’re the ones making the decisions - not a judge - it’s more likely that you’ll stick to what you’ve agreed.  

Parenting plans aren’t just paperwork. They’re a promise - to your children and to each other - that you’ll do your best to parent well, even when you’re no longer together. They don’t need to be perfect. They just need to be honest, practical, and focused on what your children need.

Our specialist children lawyers often help parents create parenting plans including through mediation.  If you’re separating and wondering where to start, speak to one of our team.