Christmas contact: making arrangements for children when parents have separated

Christmas is often described as the most wonderful time of the year. For children, it’s about excitement, family traditions, and making memories. But when parents live apart, the festive season can quickly become stressful. Who gets Christmas Eve? What about Boxing Day? How do you make sure the children feel loved and secure without turning Christmas into a battleground?

If you’re a separated parent, these questions might already be on your mind. The good news? With a little planning and a lot of communication, you can make Christmas magical for your children – and less stressful for you.

Why planning ahead matters?

Leaving working out arrangements until the week before is a recipe for tension. Here’s why early planning is essential:

• Children need certainty: Knowing where they’ll be helps them feel secure and excited about Christmas.
• Avoid last-minute panic: Courts are busy in December. If you can’t agree and need help, it’s much harder to get things sorted at the eleventh hour.
• Reduce stress for everyone: Early discussions mean you can focus on the fun stuff like decorating the tree, buying presents and enjoying the holidays.

The lead-up to Christmas can be hectic, and last-minute planning often leads to avoidable disagreements. Start discussions well in advance, giving both parents time to consider schedules and any changes that might arise. Flexibility is essential; children may fall ill, or unexpected things may crop up. Being prepared to discuss, adapt and compromise can go a long way in not only creating an amicable atmosphere but arrangements that everyone will stick to. 

Options for arrangements

There’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Every family is different, but these are some common approaches.

Alternate years

• One parent has Christmas Day this year, the other next year.
• Works well if both parents want to enjoy the main day without splitting it.

Split the day

• Morning with one parent, afternoon with the other.
• Ideal if you live close to each other and want the children to see both parents on the same day.
• Be mindful of travel – no one wants to spend Christmas stuck in traffic.

Extended time

• One parent has Christmas, the other has New Year.
• Great for giving children quality time with each parent without rushing.

Creative solutions

• Celebrate “Christmas” on a different day. Children often love the idea of two Christmases!
• Include grandparents and extended family in the discussion if they play a big role in how your family spends Christmas.

Tips for a smooth Christmas

One of the most effective ways to avoid misunderstandings is by communicating openly and calmly. For some, face-to-face conversations may feel uncomfortable or lead to heightened emotions, especially around Christmas when stress levels can be higher than usual. Instead email or a parenting app can be helpful. These methods allow for clear, calm and focused communication as well as creating a record of what’s been agreed.

Here are some practical steps to keep things calm:

• Start talking early: October or November is the ideal but now is still good! The sooner you agree, the sooner you can relax.
• Be flexible: Focus on what works best for your children, not just what’s convenient.
• Think about travel: Avoid long journeys on Christmas Day if possible. No one wants to be stuck in a car on Christmas Day, least of all children.
• Share the fun: If you can, agree on presents so children don’t feel caught in the middle.
• Keep communication positive and practical: A quick text or email confirming plans can prevent misunderstandings.
• Stick to it: Whatever you agree, keep to it.  And if plans have to change at the last minute, communicate.

What if you can’t agree?

Sometimes, despite best efforts, parents can’t reach an agreement between themselves. If that happens, here are some options.

Mediation

• Mediation provides a neutral space to talk things through.
• Often quicker and less stressful than going to court.
• Helps keep the focus on the children.

Parenting plans

• A written agreement setting out arrangements.
• Can include Christmas and other special occasions.
• Gives clarity and reduces future disputes.

Collaborative law

• Collaborative law allows parents and their lawyers work together to agree arrangements through a series of roundtable meetings.
• Legal advice is available during discussions, and the process avoids court threats.
• Flexible, cost-effective, and focused on long-term solutions.

Arbitration

• A private process where an arbitrator makes a binding decision.
• Arbitration is faster and more flexible than court, with confidentiality guaranteed.
• Gives certainty and control over the outcome.

Court Orders

• A last resort, but sometimes necessary.
• Courts will prioritise the child’s best interests, not adult preferences.
• Bear in mind the courts are under significant pressure a
• December is a busy time. Delays are common, and some hearings are postponed at the last minute. There’s a real risk that applications won’t be heard in time for Christmas. Act early if you think you’ll need help.

Keeping children at the heart

Christmas should be magical for children, not stressful. Here’s how to keep their needs front and centre:

• Ask what matters to them: Sometimes it’s seeing both parents, sometimes it’s staying in one place.
• Avoid arguments in front of them: Children pick up on tension – keep discussions private.
• Create new traditions: If old routines don’t work anymore, make new ones. It can be exciting for children to have different celebrations with each parent.

While it might seem fair to let children decide where they’d like to spend Christmas, this will put unfair pressure on them and involves them in adult conflicts. Instead, parents should agree and present a united plan, while still listening to their children’s feelings and concerns, and reassuring them that they are loved by both parents.

Older children might have preferences about seeing extended family or friends.  Tailor your arrangements to suit your children’s ages, routines and specific needs rather than applying a one-size-fits-all solution. 

Your ability to manage your own emotions around Christmas contact arrangements will also significantly influence how your children experience the festive season.

A quick checklist

• Start discussions early
• Put the children first.
• Consider practicalities like travel and timings.
• Explore mediation if needed.
• Keep communication calm and positive.

Christmas is about joy, not conflict. A little planning now means a magical season for your children – and peace of mind for you. Remember, the best gift you can give your children is a happy, stress-free Christmas.

And if you find you need help agreeing Christmas arrangements or want to explore options like mediation, collaborative law or arbitration, get in touch with our family law team today.